I remember looking at you with hearts in my eyes and thinking to myself how I got so blessed to be with you when you just seem too good to be true.

 

Look where we ended up…

 

How have you been? Some days I miss you a lot. Some good days I can go on fine without thinking of you…

Do you still think of me? Or are you seeing someone new?

1 year 1 month.

What it could be but it isn’t.

 

Just when you thought you finally found love and life can’t get any better…

Is the devil hell bent on ruining every good moment?

xxx

You said you want this but yet you don’t make any effort. You claim it’s work. I don’t deny work can take a toil on you but I don’t understand. Is it really hard to give me just a few mins of your day when you could use those very few mins on every thing else?

Do I mean so little to you now, I wonder… I miss those days where you said how you love me so much more than your favorite sport. I miss those days where the first thing you would do when you wake or before you sleep was to check in with me. I miss those good days, good times.

You are so selfish to expect me to understand and yet run to you the moment you finally decide I’m worthy of your time. I find myself foolish and pathetic because while I know I shouldn’t behave this way; I shouldn’t let myself be easy but I will anyway.

What can I do?

xxx

I had a bad dream. In the dream, we were sitting in a theatre and together with us was another girl. You told me to go ahead. I asked why and you said don’t worry, it’s nothing much. Before I exit, I turned and saw her giving me a smirk then she acted pitiful towards you. You, being ever naive, fell for it and kissed her as if to comfort her.

I was livid and heartbroken, no doubt. I wish and wish that it will never come through.

Everyday I wake and hope this is just a bad dream and it will be over soon. The question is when.

xxx

Today I broke. I cried in the cab on the way home. I cried in the lift. I cried the moment I reached home. I cried in my little brother’s arms.

xxx

I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. Or if you even miss me at all.

 

 

 

Love…

Love has the power to build you up and yet has the power to tear you down.

C.S. Lewis puts it really poignantly.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Choose the one who’s worth it.

I can’t sleep :(

My body is obviously tired due to the many days of sleep debt but my mind is still active. Troubled.

Some nights are the hardest. Particularly tonight.

I said a prayer for you
Even though we are no longer talking
I hope you’re safe,
wherever you may be.
Please be.

2am thoughts, again.

The brevity of life

Chanced upon a video of a funeral procession of a relatively young girl. It was heartbreaking to watch because she had so much in store for her. I don’t know her but yet I bawled my eyes out, feeling a fraction of the pain her loved ones must be going through. The pain of losing someone isn’t something the human heart is made for.

Life. Unpredictable. Unprecedented.
I often wonder what are other things, extraordinary or not, happening while I’m living in my own moment. What are the victories or defeats random people are facing?

Isn’t it weird to think that in that very moment, someone is lying alone on their death bed, battling between life or death. Or reuniting with an old lover, wrapped up in a warm embrace. Or writing a suicide note, pondering different ways to say goodbye. Right in this moment, someone’s heart is fluttering from a first kiss while another is breaking from a goodbye.

Life.

2am thoughts x

God won’t waste our wounds

Relationships are messy.

Our interactions with people are flawed because we are flawed. Maybe our intentions are good, but as we live and breathe in the friction of the Already-But-Not-Yet—of a Kingdom that is somehow here but also on its way—we are reminded that our own brokenness is not too far behind. And it’s hard. And it hurts.

Some days were better than others, but then there were days where I felt swallowed up in a mess I couldn’t even begin to fix. There were so many words said, so many things left unsaid, and a distance created to protect what was left.

And I don’t know where I read it, whether I was scrolling through Twitter or browsing through blogs, but I remember everything in the whole world stopping for one long second and the words reverberating in my spirit like the sound of a bass drum at sunrise.

“God won’t waste our wounds.” I caught my breath.

Those words came like a neon defibrillator in the middle of a painfully slow heart attack, waking up the parts of me that I was watching die.

Could such a promise be true?

Because here’s the thing about life: when we walk into relationships with one another, we are inadvertently bringing all of our baggage with us. Many times, our relationships help point us toward healing, toward letting go of the chains that hold us back. But sometimes, that doesn’t happen.

Sometimes, we don’t know how to take care of each other. Sometimes, we come up short. Sometimes, they come up short. Sometimes, we try again and again to make it right… But sometimes, enough is enough. And we need that time. We need that space. We need time to heal.

And in the middle of that, I didn’t know how to reconcile these hurts with the rest of my life. What do I do with them? How do I move on?

But now I think I am beginning to get it.

The God of Restoration, the God of Rescue, the One who sees me and knows me and understands the spaces in me without words… He won’t waste a single thing in the process of redeeming my life.

So I choose to respond in a new way. I choose to hope instead of despair. I choose to trust Him with my grief. I choose to let Jesus mend my heart, to make all things new.

Even in this, I dare to be thankful. What an incredible promise poured out over us. Let yourself sit in the beauty of that for a while. We are beautiful, intricate pieces in the greater story of redemption that God has been telling since the beginning of time. I can’t think of a better reason to celebrate with gratitude, to sing with thanksgiving, to shout with ultimate joy.

Beloved, His grace is big enough.

And He won’t waste a single thing—not even our wounds.

– repost from shehasworth.org

This speaks to me this season. Thank You :’)