I remember looking at you with hearts in my eyes and thinking to myself how I got so blessed to be with you when you just seem too good to be true.
Look where we ended up…
How have you been? Some days I miss you a lot. Some good days I can go on fine without thinking of you…
Do you still think of me? Or are you seeing someone new?
Just when you thought you finally found love and life can’t get any better…
Is the devil hell bent on ruining every good moment?
You said you want this but yet you don’t make any effort. You claim it’s work. I don’t deny work can take a toil on you but I don’t understand. Is it really hard to give me just a few mins of your day when you could use those very few mins on every thing else?
Do I mean so little to you now, I wonder… I miss those days where you said how you love me so much more than your favorite sport. I miss those days where the first thing you would do when you wake or before you sleep was to check in with me. I miss those good days, good times.
You are so selfish to expect me to understand and yet run to you the moment you finally decide I’m worthy of your time. I find myself foolish and pathetic because while I know I shouldn’t behave this way; I shouldn’t let myself be easy but I will anyway.
What can I do?
I had a bad dream. In the dream, we were sitting in a theatre and together with us was another girl. You told me to go ahead. I asked why and you said don’t worry, it’s nothing much. Before I exit, I turned and saw her giving me a smirk then she acted pitiful towards you. You, being ever naive, fell for it and kissed her as if to comfort her.
I was livid and heartbroken, no doubt. I wish and wish that it will never come through.
Everyday I wake and hope this is just a bad dream and it will be over soon. The question is when.
Today I broke. I cried in the cab on the way home. I cried in the lift. I cried the moment I reached home. I cried in my little brother’s arms.
I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. Or if you even miss me at all.
Love has the power to build you up and yet has the power to tear you down.
C.S. Lewis puts it really poignantly.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Choose the one who’s worth it.
My body is obviously tired due to the many days of sleep debt but my mind is still active. Troubled.
Some nights are the hardest. Particularly tonight.
I said a prayer for you
Even though we are no longer talking
I hope you’re safe,
wherever you may be.
2am thoughts, again.
Chanced upon a video of a funeral procession of a relatively young girl. It was heartbreaking to watch because she had so much in store for her. I don’t know her but yet I bawled my eyes out, feeling a fraction of the pain her loved ones must be going through. The pain of losing someone isn’t something the human heart is made for.
Life. Unpredictable. Unprecedented.
I often wonder what are other things, extraordinary or not, happening while I’m living in my own moment. What are the victories or defeats random people are facing?
Isn’t it weird to think that in that very moment, someone is lying alone on their death bed, battling between life or death. Or reuniting with an old lover, wrapped up in a warm embrace. Or writing a suicide note, pondering different ways to say goodbye. Right in this moment, someone’s heart is fluttering from a first kiss while another is breaking from a goodbye.
2am thoughts x